It has been 5 somewhat months now, and I’m starting to notice that my tummy is looking more like it has baby in it, comparatively to me avoiding my p90x routine. A few weeks ago, it was confirmed that I’m not crazy when a completely random drunk dude walked up to me and let me know that I was pregnant. If there was any sign of success this was it! Luckily it was legit otherwise it would have just been a missile to my ego.
All this good stuff has not come without consequence. This entire thing has brought an entirely new level of respect for women. Now, for rando that doesn’t know me, that probably wouldn’t make a lick of sense. A woman saying that she has a new respect for women? However, reading this blog, you can probably figure out that I am not the stereotypical woman as I definitely do not fit into the mold that society would like me to. In fact, I would much rather go for a 20 km ruck march, or hit basic training for a year straight than being nauseous and feel like crap for three months straight. Never mind having the energy level of a sloth on sedatives! Pretty certain every bad ass army dude I know would be ringing the bell at this point, and yet women do it every day with limited means to address these crap ass symptoms. Get pregnant they said…it’ll be fun they said…yeah, lets just say that the only time this sucker is anything close to “glowing” is after spending some quality time with the porcelain throne in the morning. The glistening of sweat from such activities brings on a type of glow, yet I’m pretty certain that’s not what they mean. I’ve slowly been accepting the whole “congrats” when people find out that I’m pregnant, but for the first 3 months I would tell people to hold on to that thought until this crap was done.
Luckily, I am solid into the second trimester now so things have been taming down slightly. However, in order to ensure that I don’t actually enjoy any of this, my body has adapted in it’s attack. I actually picture the little baby in my uterus in front of a control panel. They clearly realized that they had ignored a set of controls, and every once in a while says “I wonder what this one does?” For example, one morning I woke up dizzy out of the blue. That hadn’t happened before, and although it was annoying for a good chunk of the morning, it apparently didn’t hit the mark for the kid because it hasn’t happened since. Now, headaches on the other hand have been moved to the favorites list, and with it comes a another round of nausea. Really, why bench a fan favorite right? I think the baby gets a giggle out of watching me figure out how to power through.
One of the most amusing episodes was just a couple weeks ago. Waking up with a headache is always a good sign. Knowing that I had a ton of work to do, there was no staying home. I headed into the office and started my routine of hiding at my desk, trying desperately to not show my weakness. There was something particularly annoying about that day’s episode. First, I could not shake the nausea nor the headache no matter what. This resulted in me learning just how far my desk was from the washroom, which is pretty much as far as humanly possible while still being in the same building. After knocking out the top priority items in between some rushed visits to the loo, I needed to pull the plug. I had to go home whether I wanted to or not. On the way out, I paused at the washroom to assess if I needed one more visit before I get home. It was practically half way to me house after all…after floating near the door, I was sure that I was good. I lived right around the corner, I should be able to make it, right?
Luckily for me, I actually drove that day which made the commute home much shorter. I made it to the house, and was backing into the drive way, when I had an uh oh moment. Without making it into the garage, I needed to evacuate the vehicle before bad things happened. I had enough time to pop it into park and get out. I bolted for the garage, but there was no way I would make it into the house and then to the bathroom. Yup, this was happening and I picked my spot for destruction on the front lawn. Okay, round one was done, now lets go in…retreat! Back to the spot….God I hoped the neighbors weren’t watching. Round two down… GO GO GO!!! I made it halfway into the garage, RETREAT!!! Back to the lawn with me. At least my boss knew that I was sick, so if someone called in a suspected impaired driver who couldn’t even park their car before puking in their front yard…they would know that it was just prego here. Finally, I thought I could make the run. Mind over matter, lets do this. I sprinted through the garage, and through the door, locking the truck as I went (the cop in me). As I continued to run toward the bathroom, I yelled to my wife “I need you to park the truck!” before barely making it to the closest toilet. Confused, she walked to the door in time to witness my fun. In between the episodes, I explained that I had to bail in the driveway and had puked in the yard. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to laugh or cry when reflecting on what just went down. It’ll be fun they said…I suppose a lot of young peeps have a night of fun prior to hitting the puke parade, maybe this was the old person version. Next time I’ll pause and take a selfie to commemorate the occasion. Eventually, I was able to finally make my way to bed and was like that for the rest of the day. I just pictured the little one giggling inside. Yep, those controls were in the favorites category, especially with the latest fun that they produced.
All things considered, the nausea, the food aversions, the fantastic headaches, really it is the best sex ed program I think of. Although laughter may be involved in typing it out, it definitely wasn’t all fun and games at the time. I’m going to tell my daughter all about it and say you better be safe or you’ll have to deal with this giant bag of suck. Sure, it is rewarding in the end, but the path to get there is just plain mean. Like really, after how many years of evolution, we can’t figure out a way to make this go a little more smoothly? Pregnancy 2.0? I feel incredibly fortunate that I have a workplace that is incredibly supportive, and unlimited sick days. Many moms do not have this support, and are pretty darn tough in my books.
On the plus side, we are passed the halfway mark. Yay! My wife touched my belly the other day, for the record her and our daughter are the only ones allowed to do this! Anyway, she touched the belly and said “your tummy is getting hard.” “Abs of steal baby! What did you expect?” Yeah, she provided her signature eye roll, but in reality, the small child is definitely taking up real estate in my tummy. I am starting to feel it when I bend over, and I feel this is going to get to a whole new level of annoying soon. Can’t wait! The positive is that despite my grumpiness, my grandma says that I am surprisingly loving for when the kid actually gets here! Not only that, but her big sister is super excited for when this is all done.
Until next time.
Adventures of Offspring 