The irony of the title is that although I had wanted to be a parent, I had no intention on experiencing the brewing process. Now that I have that joy (the term joy being used sarcastically of course), I find myself accomplishing life goals that I never knew I thought I would. Or in some cases, I never knew I wanted to…
Here are some examples:
1) Puking on a plane:
A few weeks back, solid into my second trimester, I had to fly back from a trip. I thought that my rights of passage down the hall of puke had since been completed, but like the rest of this experience, you can’t predict a thing.
On another note, anyone else notice that the “joys” of motherhood starts with illness and puking among other things? Is this some natural warning sign that we all ignore, or is it just nature’s way of ensuring we are prepared for all the potentially embarrassing situations are kids are going to put us through…hmm food for thought I guess.
Back to me puking on a plane! I knew that getting hungry, greatly increased my likelihood of nausea so I made sure that I had a solid meal before hitting the runway. It just happened that it was a nice, bumpy flight and I think the fact that I’m getting old is increasing my tendency to experience motion sickness (another life goal I never felt like writing down) just made for a swell combination. So there I was, trying desparately to feel normal, willing away any ill thoughts or feelings but to no avail. I kept staring at the seatbelt sign that was permanently lit, and then back at my watch to see how much longer I would be stuck in this tin can. It was becoming increasingly clear that I wasn’t going to make it.
As a trained crisis manager, I began to run through various scenarios and risk assessments in my head. I was scanning my surroundings, and planning my exit routes as the perspiration started to form on my brow. I had obstacles in my way that I would need to neutralize if I were to exfil to the bathroom. The service cart had just passed and the gingerale elixir was not working the magic that I needed. But now I had an open container that needed to be manned during turbulence while I was occupied in the front of the aircraft. I looked to my seat partner who was quietly reading, oblivious to the chaos that was brewing right next to her. She looked like an ally, and in the end, I was running out of options…
“Excuse me. I hate to bother you, but unfortunately I need to make a trip to the washroom. I don’t want to leave my gingerale in such turbulent conditions. Could you watch it for me?”
She agreed and it was decided. This mission was a go.
Contrary to every rule abiding fiber in my body, I unclipped my seatbelt and stepped into the aisle. As I walked toward the front of the plane, I would swear that the seatbelt signs were glowing even brighter, highlighting my rebellious actions for all to see. I made it to the washroom and realized very quickly that I overlooked one little factor. After closing the door, I turned around to see my target area, and found that it was extremely close to me. Apparently two prop airplanes don’t just have reduced carry-on space, but also reduced bathroom space. Although, this doesn’t usually pose a major issue until you are trying to approach it from the opposite angle.
With no time to spare, I utilized my experience in dynamic situations to tactically reposition in such a manner that spoke to the true spirit of embracing the suck. Meanwhile, I was earning my expert badge while I effectively wedged my ass in that small compartment, all while the plane was bouncing around in a hail storm of turbulence. Shortly after, my life goal was complete. I had officially puked on a plane and by some miracle, or just pure talent, I managed to not have any souvenirs to bring back to my seat with me.
As I bumped my way back to my seat, I was far from cured, but at least the crisis had been resolved. I regained custody of my drink and the lovely flight staff even brought me a full can of ginger ale to mitigate further issues. Really, there was only one word to describe the triumph of achieving such a feat, in a bouncing tin can, surrounded by strangers. It’s like on Sesame Street when they have the episode being brought to you by a letter. In this case, this life goal was brought to you by the word awkward, because that is just how I roll.
2) Butt checking a cake:
Why the fork not? Really, who hasn’t woken up and said to themselves that their life will not be complete until they butt check a cake. Well, lucky for me, that has been taken off my #Lifegoals list just this week.
We went to a gathering this week and I avoided the kitchen for the most part because I realize that I am a wide load these days. To further complicate matters, I was wearing my anti-pocket maternity jeans which means that the only storage I had were my two back pockets. Having my cell in one side and wallet in the other doesn’t help with my clearance.
As the party was distracted with a game, I moved in for the munchies. This would have been fine in itself, but I just had to get to the sausage rolls around the back. In order to reach it, I had to shuffle between that table and another table that held the cake. Apparently I wasn’t as stealth in my passing as I thought.
I returned to the game and enjoyed my snacks. It didn’t take long until I realized that I wasn’t going to win and then snuck back into the kitchen. Little did I know that I had icing on my butt, AND I left evidence on the couch. Not only that, but I shared the guilt by planting evidence on another person as I passed. The best part was that I was completely oblivious to all of this until my wife came chasing after me.
“You have cake on your butt! It’s on the couch and on other people too.” As I hear “but I didn’t even go into the kitchen” coming from my confused and innocent victim in the other room. It was at that point that I realized what had happened. Like most things recently, I just smiled and shook my head. It was such a relief that I had taken care of that off my list in such a flawless manner. #Lifegoals
3) Peeing in a cup:
Now this task seems somewhat simple and many of us have done it a time or two. However, having to pee in a cup every time I see the doc can get pretty boring, so finding ways to make it more fun is truly the life goal.
Walking into the doctor’s office these days, most people tend to hide the fact that they have to pee in a cup for whatever reason. Apparently peeing isn’t a legit thing that we all do. At this point in the game, I no longer care. I walk in, give a nod to my peeps behind the counter and pick up my pink lided sample cup. Luckily the more time that passes the less I have to store up the goods because I seem to have to pee all day anyway.
As the visits passed, my competitive nature has been progressively increasing. You see, they don’t just give you a cup that you fill at your desired level. No, there is a distinct line that they draw on the cup. For those of you that don’t know, there isn’t much of a visual in gathering a sample as a female, which naturally makes this line an invite to show off some mad peeing skills. A couple visits back, my golden stream earned me a golden medal as I nailed the line exactly. I walked out of that washroom with my cup in hand, so excited to share the news. My wife looked at me, mostly out of instinct as I walked into her peripheral. She was greeted by my outstretched hands, one holding the pristine sample of awesomeness and the other pointing out my achievement.
“Check that shit out!”
Apparently she was not nearly as impressed as I was about this as I was. In fact I received the somewhat confused, what are you doing look as she motioned for me to just take it to the counter.
“Is that pee mom?” Asked my daughter.
“That’s awesome pee kid!” I responded as I smiled at the stares of the numerous others in the waiting room, before making my victorious stroll to the drop spot. #Lifegoals, peeing like a boss.
4) Learning that hemorrhoids are a real thing and not just another way to refer to a pain in the ass.
You know, I blame karma and a recent conversation for this one. That, and I also add this to the list of “shit they don’t tell you” when you are thinking of getting pregnant. Anyway, the other day a friend was referencing their hemorrhoid-in-law. Because I apparently had not had my coffee yet, I enquired what a hemorrhoid-in-law was. Well, it is a unique term for a pain in the ass in-law. Luckily I don’t have this problem, so it make sense that I haven’t heard this terminology.
Unfortunately, I have recently encountered the legit version and no in-laws are required. Seriously though, is this really necessary? Or is it another one of those told you so moments where mother nature is just giggling her ass off by causing pain to yours. Because there isn’t enough crap to deal with while pregnant, it literally has to mess with your crap too? WHAT THE FORK? Nevermind the fact that NOBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT THIS CRAP BEFORE YOU GET PREGNANT! Apparently this is a common thing…it didn’t come up in common conversation before hand, just saying. Seriously though, what other magical surprises are waiting for me?
Luckily, I have been making a valiant effort to embrace the suck. As such, I get to add this to the list of #Lifegoals that have been accomplished. Boom!
I’m sure there will be many more life goals accomplished by the end. One I am really looking forward to is potentially taking a crap while trying to push out a small child. Fun times ahead! Let’s see how many more unplanned #Lifegoals I can knock out. All I have to do is keep my end goal in sight, and the rest I can just laugh at after the fact. Just wait until I am getting no sleep because of the new bundle of joy!