Who Says Prego Can’t be Tactical

As time progresses, I have been struggling to find a way to regain control. With my shirt situation finally resolved, a new problem seemed to be evolving each day and I was determined to resolve it. I had some go-to pants for work and my baggy jeans that still worked for my days off, but I knew that I would be hitting a wall during the home stretch. How could I sort out a good alternative to the no pocket pants? I figured I couldn’t be the only one in the world that wanted pockets while pregnant. Definitely not the only one who has made tactical use of her uterus, so I decided to put Google to the test. Tactical Maternity Pants. Well, like most Google searches it didn’t come back with ‘all hope is lost’ but instead came up with the closest options.

Scrolling through the backup info, 5.11 kept coming up. They are known for their tactical clothing across the military and first responder world after all. Then I started to think about a story I heard a while back. A female police officer came up with a design to combat the infamous duty belt issue for female popo and having to pee. If I remember correctly, she brought the idea to 5.11 and they rolled with it. Maybe there was hope.

I went on the website and searched for anything that could remotely point me in the right direction, but I was coming up short….but there was a phone number! Without hesitation, I picked up the phone and rang on through. I believe I called some office down in California or some place and this wonderful associate picked up the phone.

“Hey, so I have a completely random question for you and I figured that there was no better place to call with this challenge than 5.11.” I also figured that if I open with a compliment to their company, they might pause for a moment before laughing at my request.

“I can do random and we like challenges, so let’s here it,” she responded.

I explained to her the situation and graciously requested the assistance of 5.11 in finding an alternative to the useless crap that were being offered as maternity pants. I told her that if anyone was willing to help me get “tactical maternity pants” it would be them and lets be honest…that just sounds bad ass.

After laughing at my blunt description of the current landscape, she took a moment to look up the possibility. She seemed to remember that this was something that they might have done before (I knew I wasn’t the only one!!!). Sure enough, it was a thing. I just needed to pick a pair of pants and they would put the maternity panel in for me. “Perfect! Just one more thing…can we do it to a pair of guy’s pants?” I asked with a hopeful grin on my face. “I don’t see why not…” This was my new favorite person!!! Not only was I going to be getting some bad ass, tactical maternity pants, they were going to be guy’s pants, which by default will have more practical pockets while not sticking to my legs! Granted, there were a few jokes made about how we were going to royally confuse the peeps down in the custom shop when they read the order for the maternity panel and then open up to a couple pairs of dude’s pants. I explained to her that I have been breaking brains this entire pregnancy, so just tell them I say hey and we would move on from there. You knew that we were on the same page when I asked if those particular pants had the knee pad inserts. She laughed and pointed out the fact that if I went down on the knee pads, I probably wouldn’t be getting up too quickly by the end.

The moment I got off the phone, I texted my wife to let her know. She wasn’t as overtly impressed with my creativity and problem solving as I was. Her first question was how much? Really, is there a price on happiness and the ultimate comfort of your dutiful and pregnant wife…did I mention pregnant? Actually, even with the extra cost of customizing them, it was still about the same price as the anti-pocket, leggy sticky pants that were haunting me to date. I’ll take it! After all, if I was going to finish this journey of the unknown, with all its craziness, I might as well be tactically sound.

Fast forward a few weeks…the wall had approached and I had hit it. My dress-pant button extender combo just wasn’t pulling it like it used to. Since my work didn’t have a maternity uniform and weren’t helping me pay for maternity clothes, I decided that I was just going to wear what was comfy, which was a pair of jeans that still fit and of course my fab shirts.

On a completely unexciting Thursday afternoon, I was sitting at my desk, typing away when one of the office clerks came to deliver a box. I don’t use my work address for anything other than work items, and I hadn’t ordered any new kit recently so I was kind of confused, but who doesn’t like random packages showing up? Not needing an excuse to stop staring at my computer screen, I turned and took a look, almost immediately noting the 5.11 logo on the shipping label. “Do you know what this is?” I exclaimed a little more loudly than expected. My confused co-worker who was already walking away, said “uh, no…” “It’s my tactical maternity pants!!!!”

Like a small child clawing at the wrapping paper on Christmas morning, I busted open that box with an increased level of enthusiasm. As the top opened up, there might as well have been a glowing light coming from the inside as my two new pairs of tac pants were lifted out in a dramatic, slow-mo fashion. I could hear the heavens singing and then realized that it was actually me quietly singing “Aaaaaaaah!”

Nothing was going to stop me. Like a cheetah sprinting toward its prey, I was barreling down the hall to go try them on. My co-worker who had made the deliver, saw the blur run by and stopped to ask if I was actually going to put them on now. “Hell yes!!!” and off I went. The next they saw me, I was doing half happy dance, half confident swagger as I was instantly back to normal. I felt like me again! I waltzed around the office showing off the awesomeness, doing my happy dance. I could go chase bad guys, kick doors and hop fences….well, maybe crash through the fence at least. All Kool-Aid man style. “Yeeeeah!” But no matter what I would do it in style!

The next few days, it didn’t matter if I was going to a meeting or the post office, you better believe I was showing off my tactical maternity pants like a boss. They were bad ass, and I loved it.

A completely unexpected outcome to this extreme excitement was the frequency of which I apparently surprised people with the news that I was pregnant. One or two…okay, but this was like the majority of people. I honestly do not know how to react to that. “Wow, you would never tell that you were 9 months pregnant.” Well, I must be hiding this almost full-sized baby underneath my excess winter weight. I have gained 40 somewhat pounds and have outgrown all of my pants, note the need for my tactical mat pants. I am definitely not in my army prime! Although, only a few more weeks left and then I can start working toward my Army prime once again!!! Until then, I will continue to answer with a very confused thanks, and hope that is the proper response. Pretty certain the whole town just thinks that I let myself go the past 9 months, but hey, I’ll make one good Biggest Loser contestant. No matter what, I’ll be tactically sound in the meantime!