We are pretty big fans of shows in this house. The Walking Dead is a must have on the PVR and I am pretty certain my wife would love me until the end of time if I were to get her a samurai sword or cross bow for her birthday. You know…just in case.
Now, having watched the various zombie programming, some better than others, we have found ourselves yelling at the screen during the initial transition stage. You know, the stage where people don’t realize their loved ones have turned into zombies and are looking to eat their face off. You see, I always figured that I wouldn’t fall for that. In fact, there was a night that my sarge and I were parked driver door to driver door discussing a matter when I noted a silhouette in my rear view. It was night time, so dark out and this figure was slowly walking toward us with a pronounced gait. I turned to my sarge who was actually facing that direction and ask that she give me a heads up if it turned out to be a legit zombie. Fortunately it wasn’t, but it made me confident in my ability to spot potential zombies in the world.
Fast forward to motherhood…as a child grows older, it gains the ability to get up and come into your room on their own. This will have its benefits down the road, but for right now, it challenges almost every reflex I have to open my eyes and have a face in my face. The other night though, brought a moment of sleepy clarity. I heard her door open, and cracked an eye to see what was coming. To my delight, my daughter walked past my open door toward the bathroom. Thank goodness I thought! Finally, she has learned to go pee on her own in the middle of the night! I closed my eyes in skeptical triumph. I figured that I would be called upon shortly, but I wasn’t planning on being pro-active about it.
A few moments passed and nothing. A suspicious nothing…not only had I not been called, but I also hadn’t heard a toilet flush, or the sink going. Argh…begrudgingly, I prepared mentally to have to get out of bed. When I opened my eyes, I saw her little silhouette standing silently in the doorway…silently. It was like a creepy kid out of a horror movie. I couldn’t help it…”Don’t just stand there, it’s creepy!” Without making a noise, the figure started slowly moving toward me. I have been in many dynamic, sometimes dangerous situations in my day, and it is amazing what can run through your mind in a short period of time as you are trying to assess the threat. This was no different…
Stay cool, I said to myself. Kids are just creepy sometimes, you aren’t going to die…
This is it…this is how I go. She turned sometime since bed time and my sweet innocent girl is going to call upon her children of the corn friends.
My wife isn’t moving…maybe she already got to her.
The figure got closer and closer. It was too dark to see her face clearly. Finally, it made a noise. A low, whispered, “Mooooom.” I wasn’t yet convinced. This could be a trick. “Yes?” I replied, playing it cool but knowing that I could be leaping out of bed to battle the forces of evil at any moment. “I have to pee!” Thank goodness. Those were the safe words, that confirmed that this was in fact my child and not some demon that had taken over her body. “Okay love, I’m coming…”
After taking care of my mommy duties, and tucking her back in, I was able to crawl back into bed. As I laid there awake for the proceeding two hours, because that’s what happens when a pregnant chick wakes up in the middle of the night…I couldn’t help but think. This is how they get you! When the zombie apocalypse comes, it will be spread through child zombies, who’s parents are pre-conditioned to accept any red flags as regular kid creepiness. 230 in the morning is truly the best time to be impressed with your own logic, and this was no exception. I see your not-dead plans and I reply, not today zombies!!! Not this mom!
Who am I kidding…kids are our weak spots when they are small. Luckily, if we do our jobs right, they will be stronger than we ever were when they are older.
Adventures of Offspring 